There Was a Dull Man Who Attracted a Fly: A Poem for the Vice Presidential Debate

 "I head a fly buzz / when I died"

                --Emily Dickinson

There was a dull man who attracted a fly--
I don't know why he attracted a fly, perhaps he died?

There was a dull man who looked like a spider
While a real person talked and he looked dumb beside her--
He looked like a spider but attracted a fly?
I don't know why he attracted that fly--maybe he died?

There was a dull man whom I'd flip the bird--
How ABSURD to flip THAT man the bird!
I'd flip him the bird, that venomless spider
Who stood there quite dumb, who stood there beside her,
He's such a dull person and attracted a fly--
but I won't say why he attracted that fly--perhaps he died?

There was a dull man afraid of a cat!
Afraid of the cat?! Let’s knit him a hat!
About that dull man, I'd flip him the bird--
It's not really absurd, he deserves a good bird--
I'd flip him the bird, that feckless spider
With no venom or words while he stands there beside her--
He's such a dull person and attracted a fly,
He's made of shit, that must be why--maybe he died?

There was a dull man who swallowed a dog--
Dumb as a log, his boss won't own a dog--
That same dull man was afraid of a cat--
Just think of that, afraid of a cat--
The same dull man whom I'd flip the bird,
Because he's absurd--let's give him the bird!
He's also quite feckless, that venomless spider
Who looks so outmatched standing beside her--
He's painfully dull, but attracted a fly--
Like a man made of shit, now I know why--maybe he died?

There was a dull man who swallow a cow--
Holy Shit! HOW? He swallowed a cow!
He swallowed a cow like he swallowed the dog--
A better use of his mouth, less of a slog,
While he stands there, so dull, afraid of a cat,
And I mean really, what do you make of that?
It's really almost nothing to flip him the bird--
He deserves nothing less; he's simply absurd.
More granddaddy long-legs than fearful spider,
While his spouts all his lies as he stands there beside her--
He's dull and useless except to that fly--
We all know why he attracted that fly--maybe he died?

There was a dull man who swallowed a horse--
But Kamala had already slayed him of course.

Now go vote for a better future.